When Your Dreams Don't Come True
After I wrote about being being greater than not being yesterday, I was traveling by the University of Vermont today, where the students are moving in for another year on campus. I thought about how I had no idea what I would be after I graduated college. I never could have dreamed I would end up being an insurance underwriter; it was not on my radar whatsoever. At the time, I probably would have told you that I would be a CPA because I was majoring in accounting and I both enjoyed it and was good at it.
The question back then was what do you want to be when you graduate. Over a decade later, the question is what do you do. Nobody asks me what I want to be anymore (outside of my annual performance review at work). I bet most of you can relate to it. There was a moment in your life where the focus shifted from being on your hopes and dreams to a factual description of where you are, without any regard for those dreams that didn’t just disappear.
We remain people who have dreams. You might be a painter, a chef, a construction worker, a CEO, or a weatherman. You may love your job, you may hate your job, but when people ask you what you do, you tell them your job. You don’t tell them that you want to write a novel, you have a great idea for a startup, or you and your wife want to have three children. It is so easy for us to reduce ourselves down to a simple fact when the truth is that you and I are so much more complicated and probably interesting than what we do to make money.
As a brief aside, I think this is part of why Christianity is not only true but also attractive to me. The Christian view of the world is an adventure. Various versions of this quote exist, but I found this version attributed to John Newton, the writer of “Amazing Grace”,
“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am.”
We are on a continual adventure of learning and love. We are in a story full of opportunities for courage in the face of spiritual danger. The excitement of finding what comes next helps me fulfill this desire for dreams even in the mundane. I don’t need to reduce my life to a list of what I am. There is a trajectory, and it is continual. I keep working to not be what I used to be, and the adventure continues as I learn to become conformed to the image of Jesus Christ.
As I was having thoughts related to the question of being and not being I tried to wrestle with yesterday, it struck me that the dream is a huge part of what makes being better than not being. When you are not anymore, there is nothing left. When you are, there remains a dream. The problem is that sometimes our dreams don’t work out. You find out your child has a disability, and your perception of what that child can realistically be does not match up with your preconceived notions. You dreamed of your son going to Harvard, but he was born with an intellectual disability. You dreamed of your daughter playing soccer, but she can’t walk. The dreams do not have to be extravagant, and I am not trying to make light of a situation that is tragic, painful, and clear evidence of the existence of evil in the world.
If I am right that the dream makes up a massive part of why being is better than not being, what do we do when those dreams are left wanting? That is the emotional side that makes this genetic picking and choosing so attractive to so many people.
In my opinion, it becomes a question of perspective. So what if your son never goes to Harvard? That might be your dream for him, but did you take a step back to consider his own dreams? They are just as valid as yours. In fact, they are more important in this situation because it is his life. What right do we have to cut out somebody else’s dreams because we think we know better before they’re even born?
As much as the collegiate version of me had dreams and a picture of where I would end up, we all have preconceived notions of how we think everything should go and what will make us and those we love happy, healthy, and successful. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dreaming, and I think it is truly part of what gives life value. As long as we exist, that dream might come true.
When dreams do not come true, we need to be extremely careful about how we respond. We can throw it all away, or we can see where this new adventure will lead. It may uncover even more meaningful dreams that we never could have imagined we wanted until we got there. I know that it can be hard for dreams to die. I know it is hard to change, but if we impose our preconceived notions on others, assuming we know what is best for them, we are in incredibly dangerous territory. The only way to find out what these dreams are is to take the adventure. That is countercultural in our comfort-centric society, but it is worthwhile.